Supporting a child when a relative or friend dies

Young people’s responses to the death of someone close will vary according to:

• their age
• the age of the person who died
• the nature of their relationship (for example, an aunt who lived in Australia and just sent birthday cards)
• the cause and nature of the death (for example, whether sudden or expected, whether by suicide or violence)
• the family circumstances (for example, their parents’ ability to support them while grieving themselves)
• any previous experience of death or trauma within the family or wider community (for example, the third child from school to die this year) their own resilience and the support and care they receive.

The death of a relative or friend may cause a child or young person to feel some or all of the following:

• deep sadness, that may or may not be expressed in conventional ways such as crying
• a hollow, achy pain inside that is hard to put into words and may be described as hunger or boredom or fear
• loneliness and a sense of having been abandoned (for example, they were the only school friend who played at lunchtime)
• anxiety about the safety and well-being of the rest of the family including themselves
• a feeling of responsibility – working hard, helping out
• a feeling that there’s no point in anything any more, including school work anger and even rage at what has happened
• blame or guilt for things said or unsaid, done or undone
• relief – if the family situation and dynamics had been difficult, (for example, if gran lived with the family and needed a great deal of care)
  the loss of a trusted supporter (for example, an uncle who always had time to listen).